chapter one

hi
i dont feel it anymore
im sorry
come get your stuff

Autumn had read the text over and over a million times, and it felt the same each time she finished reading it. Her heart felt heavy, her stomach sick, her body weak and unable to function properly. She drove to his house in a fog, it seemed a miracle that she even made it that far.

An explanation? He never really offered one.

i cant provide for you
you love me more than i love you

Sure, those made sense. Didn’t mean it made things better. She parked in the driveway, closing the door behind her. Her feet felt like mush beneath her, the ground unsteady. As she reached the door, she remembered the last text before that.

you’re boring
its annoying when you get depressed
I do not love you anymore

He had all her things in a disarray at the front door. Autumn gathered them, shaking, piling them into the backseat of the tiny Volvo. Two years on Saturday, and today was Sunday. He hadn’t bothered calling, texting, anything. He said he was too tired to leave Karlstad and visit, yet Facebook told her he had been to a club with his friends. Nothing seemed to make sense, nothing seemed real.

Bravely, she got her phone and texted him.

Then I’m leaving, I’m going home

She waited for an answer. Stop me, she thought. Run here, tell me to stay, beg me to stay. Tell me you still want me. Tell me anything, say I mean something to you.

As if to accompany her, it started to rain. Autumn rushed to put her things in the car before they got too wet, and of course, it was a complete downpour. She managed to get them all in, and she got in the front seat, sighing heavily. Her phone buzzed and he had replied.

leave the car. get a rental to the airport.

Autumn leaned against the steering wheel and began to cry, the sound of the rain pounding on the top of the Volvo. She closed her eyes, feeling her heart rip itself to absolute shreds, wondering what she had done. Was she not pretty enough? Was she not smart enough? Did he meet someone else?

She opened her phone again and looked at a screenshot of their last conversation before this, just before he moved to Karlstad. It was extremely difficult to read, what with her eyes overflowing with tears, but after blinking enough times, the text became clear enough to see.

I will come back for you
I promise

Everyone leaves, she thought sadly. Everyone always leaves.

Autumn jerked forward and opened her eyes, seeing the seat in front of her, the screen lighting up with the map of where they were located. The plane had just landed in Ottawa, and the light turbulence from the flight seemed to shake her awake. She rubbed her eyes and looked around, feeling the awkward pains from falling asleep on a flight over the Atlantic.

Ottawa wasn’t where she was really from, but Autumn was from Canada. She rolled her little suitcase with her as she finally was out into the main area of the airport, still tired and sick. She didn’t eat a single thing on the plane, even though she knew she was supposed to. Her body rejected food for some reason, at least that day.

The bright sun on that light September morning seemed to bring a new perspective. She was out of Falun, now. Here she was, back home in Canada, but in a new city. It was refreshing, almost. Refreshing, but strange.

Her small briefcase holding her resumes bounced along on top of her suitcase, reminding Autumn it was time to go and search for jobs right away. She checked into her hotel for the day, took a shower and freshened up. Then, looking-business ready, she took a taxi to the various places she would apply for work.

Autumn had been working at an electronics shop when she lived in Sweden with her boyfriend. When he failed out of school in Canada, he convinced her to drop out of dance school, and she went with him to Sweden. He promised her a better life, and although it didn’t seem like the best and she was terribly homesick, Autumn convinced herself she was happy because she was with him.

So here she was, applying at Sears, Futureshop and Best Buy. It felt pathetic, but a job was a job, as far as she was concerned. Quietly, she checked off all the places on her list, and when she got to the bottom of it, she realized Capital Dance Studio was last on her list.

Autumn went into the nearby mall and changed into her old dance uniform in the washroom. She pulled her long dark hair back and looked in the mirror, seeing a girl she hadn’t seen in a whole year. It felt strange and foreign to her, like falling back into an old habit or dream. It didn’t feel, well, real.

The Ottawa Senators were creating their own elite cheerleading squad, just like the Dallas Stars and Edmonton Oilers. Autumn had loved dancing and cheerleading at one point, and she was able to skate no problem, but she seriously doubted they would pick her for this job. It was more of a ‘well, this sounds fun,’ application, and she wasn’t going to take it seriously.

The sign-up sheet outside of the audition room was long, meaning she would have to wait awhile. Each girl was expected to walk in, hand the CD with their music on it to the person running it, do a brief interview and then perform It amazed her, but Autumn still had her routine music with her. Dressed completely in black and waiting quietly by herself, Autumn eventually was called in.

“Your name, honey?”

“Autumn.”

“Ok, and where you from?”

She hesitated, “...Toronto.”

“So you’re a Sens fan from Toronto, then.”

“Actually...I don’t particularly like the Sens...” she felt her cheeks flush, “But I love to dance.”

“Very well. Let’s see what you’ve got.”

The music flooded the room, and as she stood in the middle of the wooden studio floor, Autumn felt it flood her veins. She moved, no, glided, just as she had years ago, as though nothing had ever stopped. The heartache left, the passion arrived. She threw herself into it, forgetting that anyone was even watching. Her body was controlling by the sound, by the words, by her own entanglement.

Finishing on the exact note, Autumn was met with a modest applause from the two women seated at the table. Her shyness elevated as they complimented her, gingerly she thanked them for the opportunity and walked out the door, a sigh of relief escaping her lips.

“What do you think?” Veronica asked, leaning toward Tammy.

“She’s graceful, and very emotional with her dancing,” Tammy noted, “I say we get her a callback, she has much potential. I’m just wondering as to why she dropped out of Academy, though...”

“No idea, but she has more passion in her dancing than I’ve yet to see today,” Veronica said, “Right, let’s call her back to skate tomorrow, then....NEXT!”