Chapter Two

Nathalie stepped off the bus and looked out into the chilly Ottawa evening. She was dead tired after traveling first from Örnsköldsvik to Stockholm and then from Stockholm to Ottawa, and all she wanted was to get to her new apartment and sleep.

“Excuse me?” She said, stopping a woman passing by. “Do you know if this is close or far away?” She showed the woman a piece of paper with her new address written on it.

“That's just around the corner,” The woman replied. “You take a left over there and then it's straight ahead. You won't miss it.”

“Okay, thanks a lot.” Nathalie put the paper back in her pocket, picked up her luggage from the ground and started walking in the direction the woman had pointed out.

“11... 12...” Nathalie said to herself as she passed the buildings. “13!” She opened the door and started climbing the stairs.

She would be living on the third floor, and as she scanned the corridor, she saw that there were only three other apartments on her floor. As she started unlocking her door, one of the other doors opened and a blonde haired guy looked out. Nathalie raised her eyebrows at him and he nodded with a smile and closed the door again. With a frown of confusion, Nathalie shrugged and continued to open her door and get in, her luggage following her.

“Finally...” She sighed and staggered into her new bedroom. Without taking off her clothes, she laid down on top of the bed and fell asleep.

She woke up twelve hours later, still tired, but decided to unpack her things and go out to look for a job and get groceries. She took a quick glance out through the window to check the weather before changing her clothes. The sun was shining and it looked like it was going to be a lovely day in the Canadian capital.

As she was about to walk out through the door, her phone started ringing. With a sigh, she hit answer and pressed it against her ear.

“Hello?” She answered with a yawn.

“Oh, good, you're up. I didn't know when to call you, you know, because of the time difference.” Nathalie rolled her eyes. Her mother, of course.

“Hi mom,” She said, grabbing her keys and heading out the door. “What's up?”

“Oh, I just wanted to make sure you made it over there all right,” Her mother sounded very concerned. “You are all right, aren't you?”

“Yes, mom. I just woke up, heading out to look for a job and shop now.”

“Okay, take care and call me later. Love you.”

“Love you too.” Nathalie hung up the phone and put it in her handbag. Her mom had always been extremely over-protective of her, and the fact that Nathalie had managed to escape to another continent was driving her crazy. Nathalie loved it, though. For the first time in her life, she was free to do whatever she wanted without her parents watching over her like hawks.

Once out on the street, Nathalie visited practically every clothing store she could find and handed them her CV with a smile on her face.

After an hour or two, Nathalie passed something that looked like a dance studio, with a paper taped up on the door. She scanned the paper quickly and then stepped into the building. Dancing on ice could be an exciting profession, she thought.

Nathalie had always been an active person, and she had played soccer, handball, ice hockey and danced when she lived in Sweden. She was hoping some of those skills would turn out helpful for this job. Without hesitating, she signed up right after some girl named Autumn and sat down to wait for her turn. Slowly, she closed her eyes and went through the last routine she did with her dance group before she left.

“NEXT!”

Nathalie's eyes sprung open and she looked around the room. She was the only one left. She collected her things and rushed across the floor to enter the audition room. Looking down at her feet, she walked through the door, accidentally walking into someone.

“Oh, I'm so sorry,” She said, but the girl she had walked into didn't seem to care, she just kept going. “Okay then...” Nathalie muttered, rolled her eyes and dropped her bags on the floor by the door.

“Hi there,” Two women were sitting behind a desk, notebooks scattered around them. “Your name?”

“Nathalie.”

“And where are you from?”

“Sweden.” Nathalie swallowed, she was starting to get nervous.

“Oh, a foreigner, how exciting!” Nathalie simply smiled at them. “Whenever you're ready sweetheart.”

Nathalie nodded and went through the routine once more in her head before telling them to start the music. Once she started dancing, it felt like she hadn't ever stopped. She felt full of life again, and it was an amazing feeling. The song ended with a quiet note, and Nathalie stood up straight, hands behind her back, watching the two women.

“Thank you, we'll stay in touch.” Nathalie nodded once more and grabbed her things from the floor.

“Thank you, too.” She said before exiting the room and stepping out into the brisk Ottawa air again.

“Are foreigners always so friendly?” Tammy asked Veronica, a smile on her face.

“I don't know, but she was a good dancer...” Veronica checked her notes again and glanced at Tammy.

“I agree,” Tammy said. “Let's just hope she can skate...”

After running around town and applying for a dance job, Nathalie was feeling pretty hungry. Seeing as she hadn't had breakfast and it was almost midday, she walked into the first store that sold food she could find: Subway.

“Yes?” The guy making the sandwiches said. Nathalie bit her lip, looking at the food.

“I'll have a footlong Italian with ham, cheese and cucumber, please.” She said, picking up her wallet from her handbag.

“Do you want it toasted?”

“Yes, please.” Nathalie moved forward in the line, waited for the oven to toast her sandwich and paid for her lunch. She took it with her to an empty table by the window and looked out into the street. While she sat there, enjoying real food for a change, she saw someone pass by on the other side of the street. The girl looked familiar, she thought, as she sipped on her cola. She recognized her, but she didn't know where from.

After spending all day looking for jobs and getting groceries, Nathalie collapsed in her sofa at the end of the day. She turned on the TV to ESPN and felt her eyes closing. She sat up straight, not wanting to fall asleep too early this time. She had to change her sleeping pattern now, to adjust to her new time zone.

Yawning, she walked into the kitchen and unpacked everything she had bought at the grocery store, stuffing it into the fridge and the cupboards. She glanced quickly at the clock on her cell. It was only eight pm, not late enough to go to sleep.

“But I'm so tiiiireeeed...” She whined to herself and went to get her computer from her backpack. “What do we have on here...” She muttered, checking all the movies she had downloaded when she was still in Sweden. The first movie title she noticed was Dear John. She had planned to watch that movie back in Sweden with one of her friends, but that hadn't happened. Yawning again, she made herself comfortable in the sofa and double clicked the icon.

One hour into the movie, she was sound asleep, tears in her eyes still.  

chapter one

hi
i dont feel it anymore
im sorry
come get your stuff

Autumn had read the text over and over a million times, and it felt the same each time she finished reading it. Her heart felt heavy, her stomach sick, her body weak and unable to function properly. She drove to his house in a fog, it seemed a miracle that she even made it that far.

An explanation? He never really offered one.

i cant provide for you
you love me more than i love you

Sure, those made sense. Didn’t mean it made things better. She parked in the driveway, closing the door behind her. Her feet felt like mush beneath her, the ground unsteady. As she reached the door, she remembered the last text before that.

you’re boring
its annoying when you get depressed
I do not love you anymore

He had all her things in a disarray at the front door. Autumn gathered them, shaking, piling them into the backseat of the tiny Volvo. Two years on Saturday, and today was Sunday. He hadn’t bothered calling, texting, anything. He said he was too tired to leave Karlstad and visit, yet Facebook told her he had been to a club with his friends. Nothing seemed to make sense, nothing seemed real.

Bravely, she got her phone and texted him.

Then I’m leaving, I’m going home

She waited for an answer. Stop me, she thought. Run here, tell me to stay, beg me to stay. Tell me you still want me. Tell me anything, say I mean something to you.

As if to accompany her, it started to rain. Autumn rushed to put her things in the car before they got too wet, and of course, it was a complete downpour. She managed to get them all in, and she got in the front seat, sighing heavily. Her phone buzzed and he had replied.

leave the car. get a rental to the airport.

Autumn leaned against the steering wheel and began to cry, the sound of the rain pounding on the top of the Volvo. She closed her eyes, feeling her heart rip itself to absolute shreds, wondering what she had done. Was she not pretty enough? Was she not smart enough? Did he meet someone else?

She opened her phone again and looked at a screenshot of their last conversation before this, just before he moved to Karlstad. It was extremely difficult to read, what with her eyes overflowing with tears, but after blinking enough times, the text became clear enough to see.

I will come back for you
I promise

Everyone leaves, she thought sadly. Everyone always leaves.

Autumn jerked forward and opened her eyes, seeing the seat in front of her, the screen lighting up with the map of where they were located. The plane had just landed in Ottawa, and the light turbulence from the flight seemed to shake her awake. She rubbed her eyes and looked around, feeling the awkward pains from falling asleep on a flight over the Atlantic.

Ottawa wasn’t where she was really from, but Autumn was from Canada. She rolled her little suitcase with her as she finally was out into the main area of the airport, still tired and sick. She didn’t eat a single thing on the plane, even though she knew she was supposed to. Her body rejected food for some reason, at least that day.

The bright sun on that light September morning seemed to bring a new perspective. She was out of Falun, now. Here she was, back home in Canada, but in a new city. It was refreshing, almost. Refreshing, but strange.

Her small briefcase holding her resumes bounced along on top of her suitcase, reminding Autumn it was time to go and search for jobs right away. She checked into her hotel for the day, took a shower and freshened up. Then, looking-business ready, she took a taxi to the various places she would apply for work.

Autumn had been working at an electronics shop when she lived in Sweden with her boyfriend. When he failed out of school in Canada, he convinced her to drop out of dance school, and she went with him to Sweden. He promised her a better life, and although it didn’t seem like the best and she was terribly homesick, Autumn convinced herself she was happy because she was with him.

So here she was, applying at Sears, Futureshop and Best Buy. It felt pathetic, but a job was a job, as far as she was concerned. Quietly, she checked off all the places on her list, and when she got to the bottom of it, she realized Capital Dance Studio was last on her list.

Autumn went into the nearby mall and changed into her old dance uniform in the washroom. She pulled her long dark hair back and looked in the mirror, seeing a girl she hadn’t seen in a whole year. It felt strange and foreign to her, like falling back into an old habit or dream. It didn’t feel, well, real.

The Ottawa Senators were creating their own elite cheerleading squad, just like the Dallas Stars and Edmonton Oilers. Autumn had loved dancing and cheerleading at one point, and she was able to skate no problem, but she seriously doubted they would pick her for this job. It was more of a ‘well, this sounds fun,’ application, and she wasn’t going to take it seriously.

The sign-up sheet outside of the audition room was long, meaning she would have to wait awhile. Each girl was expected to walk in, hand the CD with their music on it to the person running it, do a brief interview and then perform It amazed her, but Autumn still had her routine music with her. Dressed completely in black and waiting quietly by herself, Autumn eventually was called in.

“Your name, honey?”

“Autumn.”

“Ok, and where you from?”

She hesitated, “...Toronto.”

“So you’re a Sens fan from Toronto, then.”

“Actually...I don’t particularly like the Sens...” she felt her cheeks flush, “But I love to dance.”

“Very well. Let’s see what you’ve got.”

The music flooded the room, and as she stood in the middle of the wooden studio floor, Autumn felt it flood her veins. She moved, no, glided, just as she had years ago, as though nothing had ever stopped. The heartache left, the passion arrived. She threw herself into it, forgetting that anyone was even watching. Her body was controlling by the sound, by the words, by her own entanglement.

Finishing on the exact note, Autumn was met with a modest applause from the two women seated at the table. Her shyness elevated as they complimented her, gingerly she thanked them for the opportunity and walked out the door, a sigh of relief escaping her lips.

“What do you think?” Veronica asked, leaning toward Tammy.

“She’s graceful, and very emotional with her dancing,” Tammy noted, “I say we get her a callback, she has much potential. I’m just wondering as to why she dropped out of Academy, though...”

“No idea, but she has more passion in her dancing than I’ve yet to see today,” Veronica said, “Right, let’s call her back to skate tomorrow, then....NEXT!”